Semi Paranoia

I really hate it when I feel like I am being played. Even if I don’t have any proof right now, still, this kind of feeling reeks bad! Argh! Truly, this feeling bugs me like it is the plague that hit the nation! Imagine the horrific thought of plummeting to the deepest crevice on earth? Maybe I am entering in the zone of paranoia again.

I know, I know… I sound so exaggerated. But I become really paranoid when it comes to these kind of feelings. What am I talking about anyway? Sigh…

I have always had my personal space in tact. I mean, I don’t lower my guard down to anyone if I don’t feel like being close to someone. But when I do, most of the time it results to a broken heart and a crushed ego. This applies to all my relationships in general; like friendship and boy-girl relationships. It sucks that I had to be anti-social at times. I can’t blame myself for that. I’ve been bruised and been glued back to pieces a lot of times. I think, I can still see the imaginary cracked skin that I have when I look at myself in the mirror.

I shouldn’t even be in the pity-myself-mode, but I feel really crappy. Sometimes, I just see myself in this kind of state. It’s sad that I can’t control it. I try my best to always have an upbeat mood, but it’s hard to be positive all the time. I am known to be a pessimist and it has worked for me over the years. Maybe, all the negative energy are making me paranoid, but I don’t want to risk walking in the clouds just to walk into a stinking air hole!

If you have read my entry about my best bud and I falling out, well, something good happened. I decided to be the bigger person here. One night, I saw that he was online at YM. His status says, Kamusta ka naman? I don’t know if that was meant for me. I didn’t chat with him. Still keeping my pride so high up in the clouds. Anyway, I saw that he’s online again and his status read Tell me how to braid my hair? I remembered when I went to Puerto Galera that I did have my hair braided, so I asked if his hair was long enough to be braided. I was holding my breath, thinking, would he reply? He did! Turned out that he went to Puerto Galera recently with his colleagues and he had his hair braided, too. I still am not sure if we’re good, but, that was a step towards reconciliation. Our conversation was civil and he was eager to show some of their pictures, so I decided to accept that as a happy moment.

I am planning to go back to school this June. I want to take up Multimedia Arts, but some of the schools that has that degree just costs too much! Like iAcademy, CSB and APC. Another school that offers this course is STI, but I am not sure if that would be a good school for me. I need school funding! Then I have another dilemma… My former school, Mapua and I have unresolved issues. I applied for LOA (Leave of Absence) and they seemed to have lost my form. So they messed up my records and now I owe them more than Php10,000! I don’t want to settle that account but if I don’t, they won’t give me my transcript. Now, I only have a copy of it that they sent thru email. I hate that I don’t have the money, and I hate that my dad won’t give me the money and I hate that no one seems to want to help me! Is there anyone who wants to donate for my school fund?? I only need $250 to settle my account with Mapua and then maybe I can get a scholarship so I can get into a better school.

I added one new link, and it’s Phoebe. I also put my other linkages on my sidebar so it’s easier for me to click and visit them as well.

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